Lyrics from The Benefit of the Doubt

Interim post, while the score is in prep... this song is known to have been performed by PAT at a Footlights "smoker" on 3 March 1954.

At the fall of Rome, ev'ry tome 

fell into the hands of the Vandals. 

The Vandals couldn't read, & didn't see the need 

of keeping all the Roman scandals.

But here and there they did overlook, 

the casual codex & the castaway book.

And in ev'ry monast'ry a ton of junk,

was left to be copied by a silly old monk.

That's how the ancient writings survived, 

& from them, later, the Renaissance derived. 

But are we to believe that they didn't spot 

the preponderance of pornography that they'd got.

Don't give them the benefit of the doubt! 

Of course there isn't cause to disbelieve it.

But they knew just what those books were all about, 

& wisely they pretended not to perceive it.

Then a private thrill 

could be induced at will, 

by going to the library for a read.

Don't give them the benefit, for the benefit was the 

benefit that they had in their need.

Of course they were partial to the epigrams of Martial, 

& Horace is full of gristle, when he's writing a dirty epistle;

Pederastic Petronius Arbiter was found to be far far better than 

a Koptic Synoptic Missal for wetting an old man's whistle!

& Even a bishop or abbot has an "id" beneath his habit!

Don't give them the benefit of the doubt, 

the doubt is there but don't let's fret or fuss.

Don't give them the benefit, for the benefit was the 

benefit that has come down to us!

God created Adam & his madam 

ignorant of the basic facts of life.

Neither of them knew what to do, or who; 

& Adam may have thought he was a wife.

He only found out he was not a "she", 

when he tasted the fruit of the forbidden tree.

But acquired characteristics, as biologists declare, 

are never passed on to a man's son and heir.

So we don't inherit that knowledge to sin with. 

We inherit the innocence Adam had to begin with. 

Do you think that's why some folks sit on the fence 

& can't make up their mind whether they're ladies or gents?

Please give them the benefit of the doubt! 

And when you see someone trousered and Eton-cropped,

Don't think you are de-barred from inviting them out,

But first discover what attitude you sh'd adopt.

For wouldn't you be in a muddle, 

if after you'd started to cuddle, 

you found it was just the boy from next door.

Please give them the benefit 

for the benefit is the benefit 

that's required by the law.

Of course we like a hairstyle that's done in a fair style, 

& wives may suit the trousers they've borrowed from their spouses;

But girls with a crop and no bosom, - well, it's easy enough to confuse 'em, 

& society never allows us to investigate when they arouse us!

In the dog world we'd lift their frocks, to see they're wearing a box!

But we must give them the benefit of the doubt, 

& hope & pray we've boarded the right bus.

Yes, please give them the benefit for the benefit may be the benefit 

that will benefit us!