We have no score for this little song, but here are the lyrics, transcribed from this recording of PAT singing and playing, made at a dinner in September 1992 by the late John West.
Use the player below or download the MP3:
Or play the version we've published on YouTube:
When I came back to the college,
As an old boy in 2024,
I found myself encountering
A Robot Porter at the door.
He checked my fingerprints,
Checked my brain traces,
Checked me aft and fore.
He said I could look round the dear old Coll
For half an hour, no more.
I stepped into the College proper
And in the first Court, what d’you think?
I encountered a Robot Bedder,
Gossiping on her intercom link.
Then she said to me “Long time no see,
How nice to have you back!”.
I said “What’s become of all those building schemes?”
She said “That Robot Bursar’s slack!”.
I went through the Arch of Normalcy,
And the Gate of Uniformity,
I encountered a Robot Freshman,
whom I questioned, naturally.
I asked what he did, did he do as bid,
And what was he here for?
He replied he was reading Robotics
But he’d not got beyond the first Law.
I tapped at the Master’s Control Room,
The grand old chap was still there.
When he saw me he twinkled all over,
And said “Hello, Smith, what cheer!”.
I asked him how the College is now,
He said “there’s no end to our toil,
But since we’re both programmed to relax,
Robot Smith will you take a glass of oil?”.
[“Anything with it?”.]
So I said “Yes Master! You set it up,
And I will put it down,
But please don’t call me Robot Smith,
For my name is Robot Brown!”.